Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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