Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
birth control should be required to get into college
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
