Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The adults are the big ones right?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
