I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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