Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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