I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
