the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
