God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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