i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
A+ Viking dick
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
