sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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