there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
