I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
