Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just had sex on a roof
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
