Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sext me about skeletons
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
