I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
