my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
