He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
