just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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