I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
