And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
