You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
