I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
