dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
