i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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