If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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