Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
