...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We had to coat check the pizza.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
