The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
