you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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