How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
