you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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