I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
