I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
