I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Two words: blizzard sex
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
