Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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