I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
