Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
