so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
