Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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