I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
