so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
