If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
