Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
