There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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