For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
