its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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