True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
