My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the day after is always just damage control
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
