4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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