is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
