Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
