Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
